the last 40 pages of disgrace

horsemouth has been having a coetzee moment (on substack)

someone mentioned reading the last 40 pages of disgrace so horsemouth thought he might give it a go. (this is a trick he often uses when he is finding it difficult to get started with his reading).

he started at chapter 20, 'he re-enters capetown on the N2. he has been away less than three months...' 

our academic hero is in disgrace (hence the title). he will move away. his life in capetown is already over he just hasn't quite finished with it yet. 

horsemouth finds this situation somewhat analogous to his own - he has moved out to embrace (somewhat) a life in the wilds. of course he's not actually in disgrace but he has been there before. 

coetzee's character comes home to find his old house looted and all his possessions gone (horsemouth is slightly envious, he has just had to move his). 

coetzee's character is writing an opera (horsemouth is again envious). 

horsemouth had been made redundant some years before and taken that opportunity to retire (rather than been slung out in disgrace) and several years later he has taken the opportunity to move. for him it has not happened all at once but step-by-step. and now he is here. 

as usual when horsemouth comes to re-read something there is stuff there he does not recognise, stuff he had forgotten or did not see the first time. 

'... it is humiliating. but perhaps that is a good point to start from again. perhaps that is what I must learn to accept. to start at ground level. with nothing. not with nothing but. with nothing...'

'like a dog.'

'yes, like a dog.' 

ultimately the point is to start again (for coetzee,  to start again in the new south africa).

yesterday (as will be when you read this probably) a sunshine-y day but windy.  distant bells from the abbey. he just went for a quick walk in the rain (and when he had come back in the sun came out). 

the day before that he watched three days of the condor. (one of the weakest of the post-watergate conspiracy thrillers). yesterday (as will be) he watched a bit of nic roeg's walkabout (which is very j.g. ballard). he didn't take his opportunity to watch dune. 

he set up the CD racks and brought in some clothing. he re-arranged the room so that the mirror is now on his left and the guitars on his right. 

today  a grey morning. the day after it is not supposed to be too bad. overnight temperatures are down into single figures.